According to Gretchen Neels, a workplace consultant, most people have no idea when they are not listening — or when they are giving the impression to others that they are not listening. I wasn’t surprised to hear that, having grown up in a family where conversation is more of a competitive sport than a polite interaction. In our home, talking over one another and interrupting were fairly standard, and as a result our communication probably suffered. Mastering listening, Ms. Neels says, allows you to get things right the first time, build better relationships and find the nuances behind what is being said.
Ms. Neels offers workshops in improving listening skills, and until I can get my family all together to attend one, I asked her for a quick tutorial on some ways to improve listening skills. Below, with some paraphrasing from me, are the six tips she provided:
1. Maintain good eye contact.
2. Sit or stand still without fidgeting. If you feel as if you may be losing concentration, shift around on your feet or in your seat, but try to do that while staying focused.
3. Try nodding your head or leaning in toward the speaker, both of which indicate to the speaker that you are listening, and also help you to stay engaged.
4. In a face-to-face or one-on-one situation, try “mirroring,” which means taking on the gestures of the speaker. So, for example, in an interview, if you are sitting across the table from someone and she leans her head to the right, you may try leaning your head to the left. While this might sound odd, apparently this kind of activity puts you into the same groove. Ms. Neels says that if you are with friends and feeling very connected, you are probably mirroring each other’s body language since it something people automatically do in situations where they are comfortable.
5. If you are on the phone and you are taking in a lot of information, periodically repeat or summarize the information you are hearing. If you’re not sure what is most important, you may want to recap what you have heard and ask for a clarification of anything you think you may have missed.
6. Finally, and Ms. Neels said this one is especially important: Do not interrupt, even if you think you’re going to forget what you want to say. If you fear you will lose a thought, carry a pad and paper and make a note so that you can come back to it. Interruption is not only rude, it can undermine everything you are trying to accomplish. And even if you are truly listening, interrupting will convey the impression that you are not.
Marci is a former corporate lawyer who has written about workplace issues and careers for The New York Times since 2001. She is also the author of 
16 Comments
I received some listening training and found the most valuable lesson was: ‘to actively listen, you need to refrain from thinking up your response/reply while the other person is speaking.’ This (act) is one of the main distractions of good listening.
— Deirdreanother listening skill or manner one can try, especially if you are young, is to take off your head phones, stop texting, turn off your cell phone and put away your psp.
— alexHa, are you kidding us? This is the United States in the 21st Century. NOBODY listens to anybody. It’s all about me-me-me. Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Friendster…it’s sad.
http://swine.wordpress.com
— Alex M. Pruteanugood post
— douglasWhat?
— TonyThe other point I’d add here is: “Don’t multitask.” I can’t tell you how irritating it is to be talking to someone on the phone while they’re instant-messaging or text-messaging someone else at the same time, or reading their email. Give people your undivided attention, and ask that they give you theirs. When I go out to lunch with friends, I turn my cellphone off (I don’t put it on vibrate, I turn it completely off so there’s no chance it will distract me). When the phone rings and I’m at my computer, I turn away from the screen or turn on the screensaver so I’m not distracted by incoming e-mail messages.
— bradI received some great advice from an improvisation trainer recently on how to listen and stay present on stage during improvisation scenes.
“Mime what other person saying in your head so you shut off all other thoughts”
Whilst it feels a little ‘weird’ initially it works like a dream - both on stage and indeed the work place or anywhere else!
— SitalWell, I guess #3 proved his own point with a plug for his blog.
— Mark SowulAnother classic is to nod your head up and down three times, slowly, every 7 to 10 seconds (or when the person makes a big point).
Nodding too slow makes you look bored, and nodding too fast makes you look like you’re eager to jump in and interrupt. Do it at a moderate speed, and not too often ( and throw in some brow-furrowing as if you’re thinking hard about something they said).
— JackYes, but remember that when an Asian says Yes, an American will assume Yes, I Agree. But it is really just Yes, I Heard You.
One of my former bosses taught me that “the biggest problem with communication is the assumption that it occurred.”
— Tim SchmidtListening is such an important life skill. I was just thinking about it this morning. Same wavelength…mmm…
— CrystalListening helps one to give the right response to a conversation. It is best learned through constant practice.
— Babafemi Oyewole#1 makes a great point. Sometimes you can tell mid-story that your listener has tuned out and is just waiting for you to finish to say their part. That goes along the mememe philosophy as well.
And #10 is word for word from last night’s National Geographic TV special about the communication issues during the building of the Venetian Macau. And the post should be corrected to read “when IN Asia”, as I am a local born Asian where Yes means Yes in this continent.
— VictorSo logical…I used to “tween-sit” occasionally. One mom was obsessed with receiving/sending text messages. If she asked you a question you had less than 2 seconds to respond (and I’m not being flip)or she would glance down at her phone and the interaction was broken. I would just get up and leave…so rude, beyond question. I guess she wanted to be 14 again instead of in her 40s. In my experience (thus far), the best part of life is meeting others and hearing what they have to say…
— Gail in OrlandoVery useful post! I read it through many times and try to put some tipe into my mind permanently.
I entirely agree with the author that “Interruption is not only rude, it can undermine everything you are trying to accomplish. And even if you are truly listening, interrupting will convey the impression that you are not.”
The most practical and easy-to-do tip is that”to nod your head up and down three times, slowly, every 7 to 10 seconds”. I will keep this in my heart and practice from now on .
— peterAs a teacher I consider listening a skill not an act of mannerism and gesture. A true skilled dedicated listener understands that they must clearly interpret what is being said to them
— JCBto intelligently respond to the exchange of conversational ideas. Is conversation a lost art….?…..sorry what were we talking about?