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To apply and be considered for bailout, you must meet or exceed most or all of the following criteria:
If you are currently in foreclosure due to a bad sub-prime mortgage, do not bother applying. We've already told you you're screwed and given all funds available to bankers who will spend it more wisely on vacations at spas in California. You must currently be employed in the financial sector. This includes, but is not strictly limited to: A bank or banking services company, a brokerage that deals with overinflated stocks, hedge fund companies which have a commission rate of no less than 20%, preferably a commission rate set to the highest the law allows, any company selling insurance so long as that insurance is presented nicely in a manner that conveys it may or may not just be legalized fraud, victimizing the people who purchase claims from you.
Applicants who serve the board or as an executive within their respective company will be given special consideration, especially upon receipt of proof that they have collaborated with other officers within the company or within other companies in the financial sector to purchase smaller lenders with a minimum of ten billion dollars ($10,000,000,000 USD) outstanding, high risk sub-prime loans. While it is not absolutely necessary, it will help us to determine your ability to make business decisions based on the best interests of those around you. You must either have had or have under contract some form of severance clause which pays greater than one million ($1,000,000 USD) which you feel would not be paid should your company have to claim bankruptcy. *note: All “golden parachute” clauses will be paid before actual worthwhile debt. Salary should be greater than two million dollars ($2,000,000 USD) You may file jointly with your company only if the company can prove that after it receives funds, they will buy out another smaller company with cheaper employees and fire a minimum of 1,000 of their own current employees. You may not already be in the process of bankruptcy as this allows the court involvement in the dispersal of funds and allocation of monies received. Should you be accepted for a bailout, you must prove that you have offshore accounts where the monies can be deposited. Bailout funding in order to purchase private islands IS acceptable, however, those islands may not contain any homes, residential or otherwise, which are currently in foreclosure, as this may void any foreclosures in process and thus would offset the equilibrium these bailouts are trying to create.
APPLICATION:
First Name : _____________________________________
Last Name: _____________________________________
Name of Accountholder for Offshore Bank: _____________________________________
Preferred Beach Resort: ________________________________
Amount Of Severance Clause: $______________________________
Yearly Salary: $______________________________
Please list at least three (3) friends in high ranking federal government positions who either owe you favors or for whom you have made campaign promises:
1) ___________________________________
2) ___________________________________
3) ___________________________________
Place of Employment: ___________________________________________
Position: ___________________________________________
Assets Handled Yearly: ___________________________________________
Commission Rate: ___________________________________________
Other forms of Compensation (you may include escort services only if that service can prove that it charges more than $1,000.00 USD per hour per escort or $750.00 USD per hour for multiple escorts)
Have you, your family or any close friends already applied and been approved for a bailout package? If this package was over $1,000,000,000 you can mark 'no'.
Yes ___ No ___
Do you feel your position honestly contributes to the public investors? If 'yes', please explain. This will not necessarily disqualify you.
No ____ Yes _________________________________________________________________
Please fill out all information required and mail this to your nearest House member. Come to think of it, they had a brief flash of morality. Please instead mail to Congress or directly to the White House. All bailout packages may take up to one week to process, provided they do not have to pass another house vote.
While you are waiting for approval, please click here: VIP - club members only
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